


What I Need Is Not What I Want

by BakaPandy



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Style Five, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Idols, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-05-10 00:33:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5561938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BakaPandy/pseuds/BakaPandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin Matsuoka is a member of the insanely popular idol group STYLE FIVE. Sousuke Yamazaki is a famous and popular male model turned actor. The two are in a stable but difficult long distance relationship that they must keep a secret from the public. Things are hard but they make do with what they can get, that is, until Sousuke is forced to make a decision he never wanted to make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Together When Apart

**Author's Note:**

> sobs I really shouldn't be starting new fanfiction. This was supposed to be a oneshot but now it's turning into a multichapter thing and UGHHHH I blame [AleishaDreams](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AleishaDreams/pseuds/AleishaDreams) and [RowChan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/RowChan/pseuds/RowChan) for getting me sucked into this on Twitter. 
> 
> Warning: highly indulgent and there will be angst
> 
> Ideas are heavily influenced by PureSlider's doujinshi found [HERE](http://myreadingmanga.info/pureslider-matsuo-monthly-the-iwato-vision-free-dj-eng/)
> 
> Un-beta'd so please forgive typos and grammar mistakes!

The crowd roared as the last note rang clear through the stadium and the final blast of glowing sparks exploded across the stage. The noise was deafening even as the stage descended and the five singers finally relaxed, chests still heaving from exertion, adrenaline pumping through their veins. Rin Matsuoka leapt from the platform even before it locked securely into place and gave a great victorious whoop, red hair flying in sweaty locks, as he spun around to face the other group members.

“Another hit performance, guys. Nice work!” He beamed with pride. “Though Haru” he sang in teasing accusation, turning to face his friend and co-singer’s unimpressed mien. “I think you might have went a bit sharp on that last note.” Haruka Nanase only gave a derisive snort before pulling off the microphone equipment attached to his clothes.

“If anything, you were flat, Rin.” His retort elicited a challenging grin on Rin’s face.

“Now, now,” placated the third member in a dulcet tone before Rin could respond. “We all did a fantastic job. The audience enjoyed the show and that’s what matters.” Makoto Tachibana smiled as he spoke. Giggles bubbled from a bobbing head of blond hair as Nagisa Hazuki bounded over to join them.

“I agree! That was a particularly great performance!” He exclaimed with a grin as he elbowed the bespectacled fifth and final member of the group. “Right, Rei-chan?” Rei Ryuugazaki adjusted his glasses as he drew himself together.

“Well, yes,” he agreed, “That was one of our better performances. But I also have to agree with Rin-san that—“ He never got to finish as they were suddenly surrounded by the backstage crew and the manager’s barking orders.

 **********

Rin strode quickly toward his dressing room, checking his phone all the while. He had finally managed to escape the clutches of his manager after the usual lecture about upcoming performances and now waited eagerly for the phone call he looked forward to each day.

Rin Matsuoka, and the four other members, Haruka Nanase, Makoto Tachibana, Nagisa Hazuki, and Rei Ryuugazaki made up the insanely popular singing group, Style Five that dominated the music billboard for the past three years. They were idols, each with their own individual following along with those who liked them as a group. Thus, because of their popularity, there was very little about them that could slip past the public eye. But there were a few pieces of information that they did keep a close watch over as exposure could result in disaster for their careers. As idols, it was imperative that they remained publically “single and available” so as to cater to the imagination of thousands of young women (and a good number of men) who made up their fan base. Therefore, no one but them and their manager, knew that childhood friends Haruka and Makoto have been seeing each other since long before Style Five’s debut or that Rei had joined the group because he had been dating Nagisa in a relationship that persisted to that day. Rin, however, as the odd man out, had a slightly different situation.

Rin collapsed in his chair after he changed out of the stifling stage clothes. Clad in a pair of comfortable jeans and a loose shirt, he fiddled idly with his phone, waiting for it to ring. He puffed a lock of his hair from his face and made a grab for the remote that sat on the little coffee table in the corner of the room to ease his impatience. The television flickered on and he flipped quickly through until he reached a channel playing the drama that the media hasn’t stop talking about for the past month. At the very center of all of the hype, was the man that now stood with a full body shot in the center of the screen, dressed in a handsome suit that cut his silhouette in a way that deserved every bit the amount of attention the actor received. With his handsome face and body chiseled like a god and a fluid acting style paired with a solemn brooding off-screen persona that sparked the fiery desire in the hearts of thousands of women to unravel the mystery behind those intense blue eyes, it wasn’t surprising that Sousuke Yamazaki went from small time male model to the golden boy of the celebrity world not even a year after his debut.

Rin propped his chin on his hand as he watched the screen, a small smile playing on his lips as Sousuke’s character charmed the lead female character in a sappy dance scene so typical of the drama’s genre. He tapped a finger on the screen of his phone, still waiting eagerly for it to light up. Sousuke’s character on screen dipped the woman he held in his arms low, face drawing closer to hers in a way that made Rin’s heart twist—

He jumped when his phone buzzed on his lap and he turned quickly away from the imminent kiss scene to answer.

“Rin.” The deep voice, smooth as amber, called Rin’s name with such tenderness, Rin felt he might just melt right there.

“Hey, Sousuke.” He replied, voice steadied to the best of his ability. The world already knew that Rin had known Sousuke since they were but snot-nosed brats, best friends with big dreams in the small ocean-side fishing town of Iwatobi. The information had caused an uproar of excitement when it came up during a joint interview after shooting an episode of another one of Sousuke’s dramas where Rin had guest-starred. What that world didn’t know, couldn’t know, at least not for certain, was that not long after Sousuke had reached celebrity status just a year after Style Five’s first album reached the top of the billboard charts, Sousuke had promised himself to Rin and, subsequently, Rin to Sousuke. In short, they were lovers, separated often due to differing careers, but faithful and devoted.

“How did the performance go?” Sousuke’s voice asked on the other line.

“It went great,” Rin beamed in pride.

“Sadly, I only managed to catch the tail end of it on TV, but you looked fantastic up there, nonetheless.” Rin’s face warmed at the compliment and he let out a laugh to dispel the giddiness that welled up inside him.

“Thanks. How’d shooting go today?”

“It was fine. Action movies are far more exciting than romantic dramas, let me tell you.” Sousuke replied absently.

“Oh?” Rin hummed teasingly. “So it’s an action movie you’re shooting, hm?”

“Oops.” Rin laughed at the embarrassment in his lover’s tone. Sousuke had been bound by contract to keep quiet of his next gig, but even if he had spilled every detail to Rin, the last thing Rin would do, even at his dying breath, would be to utter a word of that information.

“Well, I look forward to the badass scenes with huge explosions blowing up behind you.” Rin loved the sound that bubbled through the receiver as Sousuke chuckled.

“Believe me,” Sousuke rumbled, “There will be plenty of that after the CG. But right now, it’s just a lot of awkwardly walking away from a giant green screen while trying to keep a straight face.” Rin grinned as he listened, folding his legs beneath him to get more comfortable. He had a good hour as the crew and security cleared the premises of concertgoers and he was going to use every second he could get.

 **********

“I miss you.” Rin finally breathed after they had chatted about everything and nothing for nearly forty-five minutes. There was a brief silence and for a fleeting moment, Rin’s heart twisted anxiously, but it was dispelled instantly when Sousuke replied just as softly, voice strained in longing.

“I miss you, too, Rin.”

It was difficult for them to maintain the relationship they had. Rin was often whisked away on worldwide tours while Sousuke was typically required on set at whatever international shooting location required of him. Sometimes, it’d be months before they would see each other face-to-face, restricted to too-brief video calls cut short by differing time zones. There were times where even that luxury couldn’t be afforded and they’d have to make do with only seeing the other on television. It was frustrating and it made Rin envious of the other group members, who could see their significant others daily and even work with them. That one time he had been able to guest-star in one of Sousuke’s shows had been the longest stretch of time they had been able to not only see but also physically touch each other since they were kids. It had been bliss for the both of them, even if they did have to be careful in public. Rin sought eagerly for another opportunity like that.

“The first half of shooting will be finished in a couple months, then I’ll have the following month off for a break before we start the second half. Think we could get together then?” Sousuke’s voice jerked Rin from his thoughts. Excitement welled up within Rin at the news.

“Really?” he asked eagerly. “Well I’ll have to see what our schedule looks like. Hopefully, I can convince my manager to give me time off. We’ve been working our asses off anyway, we deserve a break.” The anticipation was already making him antsy. “I’ll let you know what I find out.” Sousuke rumbled a laugh.

“I look forward to it.” He replied, a smile in his voice. But then he sighed heavily. “I have to go now, Rin. The director is calling me.” The imminent disappointment, no matter how well the either of them prepared for it, was always painful. Rin sighed as well. “I’ll call you next time I’m free.”

“Promise?” Rin said quietly into the receiver. “I don’t care if I’m asleep or something, call me anyway, alright?” Sousuke chuckled, soft and low.

“Promise.” Rin held the phone with trembling hands, not wanting to be the first to sever the connection. “Rin.” Sousuke’s voice called again. “I love you.” Rin’s breath caught in his throat at those three words, forming a lump that he fought desperately against becoming tears. “Don’t cry now, alright?” Rin hated that Sousuke could tell even if he hadn’t made a sound. “I’ll see you soon. Bye, Rin.” And the line clicked dead.

 


	2. We Will Meet Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin and Sousuke face some opposition.

“What did Yamazaki do this time.”

Rin glowered at Haru’s deadpan stare.

“Nothing, like always, Haru.” He quipped. “Why do you always think he’s doing something wrong?”

“Because every time you come out from talking to him, you look like you’ve cried.” Rin wiped his eyes roughly with the back of his hand on reflex, though they came back dry, as he made sure they would be.

“I didn’t cry.”

“You cried.”

“I didn’t cry!” Rin threw his hands up in defeat. “I just miss him, alright? It’s not like you and Makoto, where you get to see each other every day.” He stalked to a mirror to check his appearance just in case. To his dismay, his eyes did seem a bit red around the edges.

“I don’t see why you two keep this up anyway. It makes it hard for you.” Haru continued, unfazed.

“Haru.” Makoto’s gently scolding voice finally cut in.

“He’s upset every time. You know how he gets when he’s emotional and upset.” Haru stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Haru.” Rin said, losing his patience. “If Makoto went and decided to do something else and you didn’t get to see him for months at a time, would _you_ break up with him?”

“No.” Haru’s answer was immediate and definite.

“Then WHY is this even an argument we’re having?” Rin cried.

“It’s different.”

“Just _how_ is it different.”

“It just is. Makoto is Makoto. Yamazaki is…Yamazaki.”

“That makes no sense, whatsoever.”

“….I still think you should just stop.”  
“UGH—“

**********

Sousuke sighed as he pocketed his phone. Every phone call he had with Rin left him feeling lighter yet simultaneously heavier. His heart ached every time he heard Rin’s voice. He wanted to touch him, to kiss him. Sousuke never expected that when he finally reached the same stage of fame as Rin had and when Rin gave him his heart just as he gave Rin his, that being together would be even more difficult. But, they both followed their passions and they both loved their jobs; they make do with the prospect that one day, they will be together.

“Mr. Yamazaki,” Sousuke turned towards the cool voice. “You’re up for the next shot.” Sousuke hummed in acknowledgement and walked towards the film set, putting on his amicable face. “Who was that on the phone?” His manager asked as they walked.

“No one.” He replied curtly, flashing a small smile to the director gesturing wildly at him to the set.

“It was that Rin Matsuoka, wasn’t it?” Sousuke didn’t deign her a response. “Mr. Yamazaki, you know what I will say.”

“Yes,” he said without warmth, “So don’t say it.”

“This is your career on the line.”

“My career is doing quite fine, thank you.”

“And his?” Sousuke paused at the inquiry. “If you don’t care for your own success, then what about his?”

Sousuke only clenched his fists and kept walking.

**********

Rin knew he had to catch Mikoshiba in a good mood to spring the question on him. The man was an excellent manager and really, STYLE FIVE wouldn’t be where they were without him, but he was strict and ruthless when it came to work, despite his outwardly boisterous and jovial personality. Rin’s opportunity came after a particularly successful performance, box office breaking, in fact, and a couple of celebratory beers.

“So Mikoshiba.” Rin said casually over the lip of his own drink, turning on his charm to full blast, even if it never really did have much effect on his manager. “I was thinking—“

“Well that’s not a very good thing, now is it?” Mikoshiba barked in jest, breaking into rumbling chuckles at his own joke. Haru snorted and Nagisa broke into peals of laughter. Rin laughed along with them.

“I was just _thinking_ ,” he pushed on, “that after so many fantastic consecutive shows, we deserve a break, don’t you think?…Maybe in say…two months from now?” Mikoshiba leaned back, swirling the beer bottle in his hand thoughtfully.

“Oooh~ that’s a great idea, Rin-chan!” Nagisa exclaimed eagerly. “I’ve been dying to visit somewhere tropical, right, Rei-chan?”

“Well…it would be nice…”

“I think a break would be great!” Makoto added and Rin felt an immense sense of relief because if all-responsible Makoto agreed, then Mikoshiba might actually give in. Their manager hummed in thought but then nodded to himself.

“Yes, I think that could work. Something can be done about that. I could probably get you guys…two weeks.” Nagisa whooped and Rin brightened in glee.

**********

“Matsuoka.” Rin turned at the heavy hand rested on his shoulder. Mikoshiba looked down at him with a slight frown on his lips. “I know why you asked for that break.” Rin had to keep himself from flinching. He hadn’t intended on being _secretive_ about it, but he had hoped he hadn’t been that transparent either. “I asked you before and I will ask you again. You should break it off with him.” Rage flashed within him and Rin shrugged Mikoshiba’s hand off shoulder, stepping back with a glower.

“I won’t.” he stated resolutely. “How come you don’t bother the others about their relationships?” Rin kept his tone steady but barbed.

“Because it’s not unusual if they’re seen together.”

“You even let them be all gross and sappy with each other in public!” Rin accused.

“But nothing too excessive. It’s to play with the fan base’s imagination. They love that kind of stuff. You flirt with them just as much, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but I don’t actually _mean it_. Why are you singling me out?”  
“Because if it ever gets out that you are associating with him, it could lead to the destruction of both of your careers.”  
“We’re subtle, we’re careful! Plus the media already knows we’re close friends. It’s not _that_ strange to see us together.” Mikoshiba sighed heavily.

“Matsuoka, look—“

“We’re STYLE _FIVE_ , not STYLE SIX.” Rin’s temper continued to rise. “You can’t expect me to be ok with being the fifth wheel when I have someone I love. I don’t know about you, but polyamory isn’t really my thing.”

“I’m just trying to look out for your career.”

“Well, I’m _more_ than just my career, Mikoshiba. I’m not breaking up with him. We’re done with this conversation.” Rin quipped with finality, turning to leave. “Oh yeah, and Mikoshiba?” he threw over his shoulder for good measure just before he exited completely. “You’re only dating my sister because I’m allowing it.”

**********

Insistent buzzing pulled Sousuke from his slumber. He groaned low into his pillow and reached an arm out from the warmth of his covers to pat blindly at the nightstand until his fingered curled around his vibrating phone.

“’Llo?” he mumbled blearily after answering.

“Sousuke?” Rin’s hushed voice snapped Sousuke directly to alertness and he sat up quickly, pressing the phone to his ear.

“Rin?” He called, worried.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Rin said apologetically.

“It’s fine, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Sousuke heard a bit of tightness in Rin’s voice.

“Rin, what wro—“

“I got it.” Rin blurted out. “Well, I think I did. The break, I mean.” It took Sousuke’s still slightly sleep-fogged mind a moment to process what he said.

“You did?” He replied breathlessly when the realization dawned on him.

“Yeah,” Rin said eagerly, voice brimming with excitement. “Hopefully, I’ll get two whole weeks off. I’m sorry, I just had to tell you right away.” Fond warmth spread through Sousuke as he sought to dispel the guilt in Rin’s voice.

“No, no. I’m glad, Rin. We can see each other again.”

“I can’t wait, Sousuke. I miss you so much.” Sousuke smiled when he heard the wobble in Rin’s voice.

“Hey, don’t cry now.” He said gently. “I miss you, too. Now I know that we’ll see each other soon. I can work with that to look forward to.”

“Yeah,” Rin said through quiet laughter. “Same here. Well, I’ll let you get back to sleep, Sousuke.”

“Mmh, I don’t mind talking.”

“No, you need your sleep. I’ll see you soon, alright? Good night, Sousuke.”

“Good night, Rin.”

********** 

“Haru? Why is it that you always antagonize Rin about Sousuke Yamazaki?”

“Because if he messes up— _when_ he messes up—Rin will be hurt.” Makoto sighed.

“Haru, how do you even know that will happen?”

“He’s a celebrity. It’s what happens. Especially with men like Yamazaki.”

“We’re also celebrities, Haru. And you don’t even know what kind of man he is. You’ve spoken to him twice.”

“Still.”

“And they’ve known each other for a long while, too, Haru. In a sense, they’re a bit like us.”

“Still.”

“Haru…”

“I just don’t want Rin to get hurt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL, things are moving along...I expect one more chapter...maybe two...maybe one and then an epilogue...we'll see!


	3. I Don't Have A Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke didn't want to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un-beta'd so sorry for typos and grammar mistakes!

The first month went by as it normally did, intermittently embellished with phone and video calls that were never enough. But as the coveted and highly anticipated meeting drew closer, the days seemed to drag on increasingly longer.

“-oka.” Rin continued to doodle absent squiggles in the margins of his songwriter notebook. “MATSUOKA.” He jolted at the firm call of his name.

“Yes, sorry.” He looked up quickly at Mikoshiba’s mildly disapproving face.

“Matsuoka, I need you to focus.” Mikoshiba rumbled, hard eyes flashing gold. “You’ve done an excellent job with these two songs you’ve written in the past few weeks, but your break isn’t here yet. Until then, I can’t have you going off onto Lala Land.” Rin couldn’t help the irritated turn of his lips and he shot a sympathy-seeking glance at the other members. Haru was busy rendering his own illustration in his notebook. Makoto gave him a simpering shrug with an entirely useless smile. Rei was writing furiously and Nagisa was eating. Again. Rin sighed crossly and propped his chin on his hand.

“Yeah, sorry.” He said without a trace of apology. Mikoshiba eyed him for a moment before continuing.

“As I was saying, you’ll be recording these two new songs next week. We’ll have rehearsals until then. Also next week will be a photo shoot for a spread in an entertainment magazine.” He gave them a wolfish grin. “It’s a big one this time, so it’ll be good.”

The rest of the meeting progressed without fanfare until right after it was dismissed.

“Matsuoka.”

“What.” Rin snapped, glaring at Mikoshiba over his shoulder. Getting singled out every time was beginning to tire him. Mikoshiba’s eyes narrowed slightly.

“Never mind.” He said after a moment, running a hand casually through a shock of flaming red hair. “I’ll see you later tonight for the lyrics run through.”

Rin did little to hide his annoyance as he turned to leave.

**********

Water rained hot pellets on Sousuke’s skin, washing away a day crammed with take after take for each newly filmed scene and increasingly tiring stunts. Just as he stepped out of the bathroom with a burst of steam and a towel low on his hips, his phone buzzed loudly. The unknown number made him frown. As a celebrity, he was careful to keep his private phone just that, private. He answered, hoping for a misdialed number.

“Hello.” He greeted coolly.

“Good evening.” The responding voice was deep and gruff in its professionalism. “This is Seijuurou Mikoshiba from Ocean Sound Records. Is this Mr. Sousuke Yamazaki?” Sousuke’s brow furrowed at the familiarity of the introduced name. When the realization that the man was Rin’s manager hit him, concern blossomed within him.

“Yes, this is he. How can I help you?” He replied politely, anticipation humming through him.

“Mr. Yamazaki, I know that you and Rin Matsuoka are currently involved with each other.” The man certainly didn’t beat around the bush, Sousuke approved. He didn’t say anything, only waited for more in silence. “I would first like to make this clear. As an acquaintance, I have no problem with your relationship. As STYLE FIVE’s manager, however, I have to take into consideration my clients careers and futures.” It wasn’t a huge leap for Sousuke to guess what the man on the other side would say next. “I’m going to ask you to break if off with him.” Sousuke sighed and sat heavily down on the edge of the hotel bed.

“Mr. Mikoshiba, right?” he confirmed. “Well go on, give me the spiel of reason you’ve prepared.” Mikoshiba actually sounded amused when he spoke.

“You know, in any other circumstance, I think I would quite like you.” Sousuke didn’t reply. A heavy sigh blew through the receiver. “Mr. Yamazaki, Matsuoka is a hopeless romantic, which I’m sure you’re well aware of. He puts his heart and soul into doing what he loves and it leads to fantastic results. You can see that just with STYLE FIVE’s success.” Pride pooled deep in Sousuke’s chest. This man was good, Sousuke mused. He knew how to use his words and present his case. “However, the moment one thing he loves becomes two things, he can no longer devote himself fully. Sacrifices had to be made.” This made Sousuke frown because Rin never cut corners for anything.

“What do you mean by that?” He finally asked.

“Since STYLE FIVE’s beginning, Matsuoka has consistently held the number one spot for popularity among the other group members. But, if you look at the most recent charts, he has fallen to second and even third at points.” Sousuke frowned harder.

“What makes you think that’s _his_ fault?” He wondered pointedly. “Public attention is fickle. You can never predict what will catch on and take off next. Regardless, what does this have to do with me?”

“As I said, sacrifices. True, the public attention span is unpredictable and erratic but there are things that can significantly influence it. While he may not be changing his onstage image, he has been altering his offstage image, even if not on purpose. Avoiding prolonged meet and greets with fans by slipping away after performances for one example. He has also been dodging questions pointed towards his love life instead of denying accusations, as he should do so as an idol. He’s a horrible liar and would rather just not say the truth than say something false. I know he also does this with your feelings in mind.” Sousuke released a heavy breath through his nose. Despite many assurances from him that Rin really didn’t have to worry and should just focus on what he’s supposed to do, Rin was nevertheless sensitive and sentimental. “People have been talking. They wonder what he’s been up to. Fans have speculations from the innocent to the absurd. While that is all good and fine for publicity’s sake, it’s getting to a point where it’s becoming _too real_ for them. His availability is at jeopardy and he’s losing his appeal.” Sousuke’s eyes slipped closed as he listened, thoughts warred within him as logic battled desire. “You actors have it easier as relationships are possible without tarnish to your career. With idols, that is not the case. In fact, idols aren’t technically allowed to have relationships to begin with. I have been lax with the members of STYLE FIVE because, well, I can’t exactly separate them from each other. As long as they keep it quiet, I’ve looked the other way. It further helps to keep the group cohesive. Unfortunately, Matsuoka is the exception. It wouldn’t have been fair to isolate him so I allowed him to have this association with you. I gave him to time to prove that he could handle it. It was fine at first, but now it’s doing more harm than good. He’s distracted, antsy. I know he asked for that break to be with you.”

With each word, the grip in Sousuke’s chest squeezed harder. The thought of Rin keeping Sousuke on his mind to that extent made him incredibly happy, but he knew that if Rin wanted to do what he set out do all those years ago when they said their goodbyes at the airport gate as Rin set off to music school overseas, then this couldn’t go on. “Matsuoka refuses to break it off himself." Mikoshiba continued. "When it comes to things like this, he is rather…resistant. Coming to you was the last resort, Mr. Yamazaki. If things are remedied now, it’s not too late for him to rebound and for this whole thing to barely pass as a blip in the public’s radar. I won’t ask you break off all contact together, I know you’re good friends, but a full relationship is a commitment that just isn’t working out. I hope you’ll understand.” Sousuke pressed his face into his hands, stars popping behind his closed lids beneath his fingers. The silence in the room set heavily around him as the reason laced in Mikoshiba’s words crushed him.

“I’ll think about it.” He said finally, numbly. Mikoshiba sighed, the sound tinny through the phone receiver.

“Not the ideal response, but a better response than I hoped. You may have these two weeks to tie things up with him, but I do hope that you will make a decision by the end of it. Thank you, Mr. Yamazaki. It was a pleasure speaking with you.” Sousuke nearly scoffed at how wrong the pathetic attempt at pleasantry was.

“Yeah.” He grunted without any feeling. The line fell silent with a click.

Sousuke just let the phone slip with a dull thud to the carpeted ground as he leaned forward, elbows propped on his thighs, hands pressed roughly to his face as his fingers dug into his hair. Mikoshiba’s words droned dully in his mind, with each echo dragging him deeper and deeper into the despair that pooled within him. He knew what was right, but it wasn’t what he wanted it. His skin had chilled since the heat from his shower had dissipated. Just as he stood to finally get dressed, his phone buzzed again. Dread prickled through him as Rin’s name flashed onto the display. He picked up with a set jaw.

“Hello.” He intoned, careful to keep his tone mild.

“Sousuke! It’s me.” Despite the heavy atmosphere that settled around him, Rin’s voice, light, carefree, happy, made everything seemed better for a moment.

“Hey,” Sousuke greeted back, unable to keep the affection from his own voice. “How’re you doing?”

“Great! I need to make this fast though. I managed to escape the raging crowd outside this place we’re at. Honestly, fans can be pretty crazy, huh?” Rin gave a light laugh, but even that couldn’t alleviate the sensation of Sousuke’s stomach dropping as Mikoshiba’s words were confirmed. So much for thinking it was all a farce to get him to cooperate.

“Rin,” he said quietly, “You should get back to work.” He briefly considered telling Rin about his previous phone call. There was a click of tongue on teeth as Rin clucked in irritation.

“Ugh, you too? Honestly, I already have Mikoshiba on my ass about every little thing. He gets more annoying by the day, really. It’s not like I’m not doing my job. I mean, I just wrote two great songs that I’m sure will be a hit and combined with the one Haru banged out the other day, it’d probably be one of our best albums. The fans can deal with not seeing my gross and sweaty face up close for one time.” Sousuke couldn’t quite find his voice. Perhaps telling him would just cause more problems. “Sousuke?” Rin called after a moment of his silence.

“Ye-“ he coughed. “Yeah, but Rin,” he continued, voice thankfully steady, “meeting with your fans is an important part of what you do, right?”

“I know, I know.” Sousuke could hear the pout in Rin’s tone. “I enjoy meeting them all and appreciate them, really, but I just...I just miss you…I want to talk to you.” Sousuke felt his heart might as well have just being torn in half right there. He forced out a laugh.

“I miss you, too, Rin. But you should get back to your waiting fans. We can talk later. We’ll have two whole weeks to talk, all you want.” Rin’s laugh rang out like a punch to Sousuke’s gut.

“I can’t wait, Sousuke. I’m so excited.”

“I am, too, Rin. Go on, I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright, alright, obviously, you just want to get rid of me.” Rin teased with a light chuckle. “Bye, Sousuke.”

“Bye, Rin.”

 

Sousuke supposed his decision had been made for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GET READY FOR ABSOLUTE DEVASTATION.
> 
> But actually though, the whole idol industry in Japan is fucking mess up. I suggest you look it up if you're curious.


	4. I Missed You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time to meet again is finally here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I was stuck for a long while at the end of the chapter, not really sure how to finish it. But here it is.
> 
> Un-beta'd so please excuse typos and grammar!

Rin tapped his finger impatiently against the car door, watching idly as the bright lights of Tokyo flashed by in a blur. Excitement surged through him as he faced the prospect of finally seeing his lover again. Leaning forward to rest his cheek on the cool window glass, he gave a deep sigh to alleviate the energy that hummed restlessly though him. They had decided that meeting at Sousuke’s private residence in the capital city would be best, for if something work-related came up (Rin desperately hoped nothing would), they could easily and reliably get to where they needed to go.

The car ride seemed to drag on forever and even watching the gorgeous Tokyo skyline drift by couldn’t keep Rin’s impatience at bay. Finally, _finally_ , the private car Mikoshiba had booked for him came to a stop before the illuminated glass doors of a luxury apartment complex. The doorman bowed in greeting before opening Rin’s door.

“Mr. Matsuoka, we’ll have your things brought up shortly.” His driver said as Rin stepped out. Rin waved him off and moved towards the trunk.

“It’s fine, I got it. It’s just one suitcase. But thanks.” The driver bowed.

“Very well.” Rin had to keep himself from rolling his eyes. The one thing he never could get used since gaining fame was how everyone was ready to wait on and coddle him at a moment’s notice. As someone who began with humble beginnings, with a single mother and a younger sister, he disliked being too dependent. It’d be faster if he did it himself anyway. And he’d be able to be alone with Sousuke sooner. He smiled to himself as he dragged the suitcase behind him through the high-class lobby, towards the elevators. He tapped the spare card Sousuke had given him to the sensor and pressed the “up” button. A whole new wave of excitement hit him as he the elevator ascended and he couldn’t help but rock on the balls of feet in anticipation. It took all of his self-control not to bolt out the moment the doors slid open and pound on the sleek modern door that stood alone at the end of the short hallway. Instead, he marched right up, took a deep breath, and pressed the doorbell.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke had just finished his shower when the doorbell rang. He chuckled fondly to himself because, really, there was no reason for Rin to ring it when he had a spare key and the security lock code. But, he also knew Rin loved making a moment like this romantic. Sousuke often mused Rin was perhaps more suited to romance dramas than he was. He glanced down at himself and briefly wondered whether he should get himself dressed. But a slow smile only graced his lips and he decided that Rin might appreciate this far better. With a quick ruffle of his hair with a dry towel to mop up the excess water, he padded to the door to answer.

 

* * *

 

Rin fidgeted nervously as he waited for Sousuke. He could have just gone in. He had the key and the security code on him anyway. But something about ringing the doorbell just felt like the right thing to do. He took another deep breath to calm the fluttering in his chest from anticipation. Sousuke was clearly taking his time, but as just as Rin reached to press it again, there was a click of the lock, and the door handle turned. Rin bit his lip as the crack of light widened with the opening door.          

Finally, Sousuke stood before him, obviously just out of shower, half naked with just a towel hung low and dangerously loose on his hips and his skin still glistening with a few stray drops of water. He looked delicious, perfect, and _present_. Then his eyes crinkled as he smiled and when he breathed Rin’s name in greeting, voice gentle and tender, the only thing Rin could do was drop his things and throw himself at him.

Sousuke chuckled as Rin embraced him tightly, arms hooked around his neck as Rin pressed himself as close as he could. Sousuke wrapped his arms around him, pulled him closer, and pressed his nose into soft locks of red hair.

“Sousuke…” Rin’s voice trembled from somewhere below Sousuke’s left ear. “I missed you…so much.” Sousuke pressed a kiss to his temple and replied,

“I missed you, too.” Rin only tightened his hold at the gesture. They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other, feeling one another, as if the other would vanish if they let go. They might have remained in their embrace for longer if weren’t for Rin causing Sousuke’s towel to shift looser and lower. Reluctantly, Sousuke released his hold to adjust it. But the moment was broken then and Rin pulled back as well. His hands remained planted on Sousuke’s shoulders as he leaned back to look up at him with a silly happy smile Sousuke knew Rin would never admit to ever having worn. Then his strikingly beautiful red eyes flicked once down between them and up again to lock once more with Sousuke’s and that smile suddenly widened into one that was far less innocent.

“Sousuke~” Rin sang, blinking once, lashes fluttering, “You weren’t planning on wasting _any_ time, were you?” Sousuke grinned back and reached out to grip Rin’s chin gently between his fingers and pulled their faces close so that their breaths mingled together.

“That all depends on you.” Sousuke replied smoothly, voice soft and low. Rin’s tongue peeked out to swipe once over his own lips before he surged forward, arms latched around Sousuke’s neck again, but this time to tug him downwards into a kiss. Their lips melded together easily, naturally, and it took no time for Sousuke to feel Rin’s skilled (and greatly missed) tongue to probe insistently for access. He smiled as he granted it and swallowed Rin’s breathy moan.

The forefront of Rin’s mind hummed with nothing but the familiar scent of Sousuke’s favorite soap brand and the taste of his mouth. His body grew increasingly warmer as he thirsted for more. He moved his hands to rake roughly though the cropped hair at the nape of Sousuke’s neck and applied gentle pressure as he explored his lover’s mouth before coaxing Sousuke’s tongue into his own mouth. He moaned, loud and needy, as he felt large warm hands slide down along the sides of his torso to rest briefly on his hips before reaching back to knead the flesh of his ass. Rin pressed back into those hands, desperate, wanting, as the mouth he just relinquished control to suddenly pulled his breath from him. Their ministrations continued to heat up quickly until Rin finally pulled back for much needed oxygen. He kept their foreheads pressed together as he panted heavily and looked up at his lover from beneath his lashes. Sousuke’s eyes were drooped heavily in desire and his cheeks flushed as red as Rin’s own cheeks felt. He couldn’t help but smile adoringly before leaning up to plant a chaste kiss to Sousuke’s kiss-swollen lips.

“It’s a pity you already showered.” He said softly into the marginal space between them. “You could have joined me since I have to take one.” He swallowed Sousuke’s response with another kiss before he could let out a sound. “Next time.” He said with a coy smile before reluctantly disentangling himself from Sousuke’s warmth. “I’ll make it quick. In the meantime, help me bring my stuff in?” He dodged Sousuke’s attempt to pull him back to their previous activities with a laugh and sauntered towards the bedroom.

Stripping off his shirt as he went, Rin gave a quick sweep of his surroundings. Sousuke’s apartment hadn’t changed since the last time he visited. Like the owners of the other apartments that made up the luxury complex, Sousuke owned the entire floor. There was a large open living area with a simple but modern set up of couches, coffee table, and television; floor-to-ceiling window panels spanned along one side, providing plenty of natural light in the day while displaying a beautiful view of the glittering Tokyo skyline at night. Rin loved to stare out and watch the clouds drift by or the bustle of activity down below, people and cars milling about no bigger than ants. Sadly, Sousuke rarely joined him in this activity too close to the windows and Rin always teased him about his fear of heights. Though he had to admit, the drop from the 26th floor was rather daunting. On the opposite end to the windows, the living area transitioned into a kitchen with a marble-topped island in the center, surrounded by matching wood-topped stools. A modest dining area sat off to the side.

Rin then entered door into Sousuke’s bedroom. The interior was equally minimal and modern with a large and incredibly inviting king-sized bed taking up most of the space. The window panels from the living room spanned across one wall of the bedroom as well, though adorned by thick curtains, currently half drawn. Rin dropped his shirt into the hamper by Sousuke’s closet and padded further through until he reached the bathroom, stripping off the rest of clothes all the while.

Sousuke watched Rin’s back retreat further into the apartment and disappear into his bedroom. His body hummed with joy, the taste of Rin’s tongue lingering in his mouth and the ghost of Rin’s fingers at the nape of neck. Suddenly the weight of the time and distance they’ve spent apart seemed impossible and Sousuke wondered how he’d ever been able to survive. With a pleased sigh, he readjusted the towel around him (that had miraculously stayed intact) and grabbed the handle of Rin’s suitcase to bring it in to his bedroom. He left it in the corner by his closet, knowing Rin would want to organize things himself and went to pull on a pair of boxer briefs (He supposed preserving _some_ modesty was in order, considering this was the first time they’d met in a long while. He still chose the one he knew Rin really liked on him) and sat on the edge of his bed to wait for Rin to finish.

When the sound of running water stopped and the soft padding of bare feet on cool granite got louder, Sousuke was suddenly hit with the realization that Rin didn’t actually have anything to wear once he finished since his things were still all neatly packed away. “Sousuke.” He looked up quickly at the call of his name and reflexively looked everywhere _but_ Rin’s face. He was met with a pristine towel positioned just how his had been earlier. A snicker bubbled through the room and Sousuke directed his eyes up to meet Rin’s teeth-baring, shit-eating grin. “Expecting something, Sousuke?” He taunted with a toss of his still wet hair, excess water dripping onto a second towel draped around his shoulders. “Aw, you look so disappointed.” Rin crooned when Sousuke didn’t reply immediately and he slinked over to throw a knee across his lap so he straddled him on the edge of the bed. Sousuke craned his head up to meet Rin’s gaze hovering over him.

“Actually, yeah. I am kind of disappointed.” He said, “You’re going to have to make up for that.” Rin snorted and dipped down to meld their lips together once more.

“I think I can do that.” He replied softly when they separated with a wet sound. Sousuke only hummed as he followed those lips, hands slipping beneath the towel to caress the curve of Rin’s thighs caged across his lap. Rin pressed his hands to Sousuke’s chest, smoothing up along the bare skin to his shoulders, ending to knead at the muscle bunched at the junction where Sousuke’s neck met his shoulders. “Sousuke, you’re so tense.” Sousuke felt Rin breathe against his ear. He turned his head to press his lips to the corner of Rin’s jaw, mouthing at the soft skin.

“I just missed you.” Sousuke felt more than heard Rin laugh lightly.

“I missed you, too.” Then Rin pressed insistent hands against Sousuke’s pectorals, pushing him to fall back onto the bed, scooting himself up to sit flush against Sousuke’s hips. The light diffused around Rin’s head like a halo and Sousuke could only stare in awe. He slid his hands up Rin’s thighs once more, loosening the already precariously knotted towel so he could rest his hands on the jut of Rin’s hipbones, thumbs pressing tendering circles. Rin’s eyes closed at the sensation, rolling his hips just slightly in time with the movement before leaning down to search for a kiss, body aligned up along Sousuke’s.

They continued like this, kissing, touching, feeling; languid in their movements to re-learn each other. The bedroom was quiet save for the sound of skin sliding together and the smack of lips..

“You know,” Rin murmured when they’d shifted further onto the bed, Rin’s towels discarded at the floor. “You’re being awfully reserved. Usually you’ve got me bent over the kitchen island counter or something the moment I step through the door.” Rin’s voice was light and teasing, but the observation made a small part of Sousuke twist. He wrapped his arms tight around Rin’s waist on top of him and pressed a kiss to the jutting collarbone that hovered a mere inch from his nose. “Sousuke?” Rin asked into the unusual silence.

“I just want to cherish this, that’s all.” Sousuke replied vaguely against his skin.

“What a sap.” Rin accused but a small chuckled trickled from him.

“You’re the romantic who gets off on stuff like this.”

“Hmmm, speaking of getting off…” Sousuke could only grin as Rin shifted up and off him as he clambered across the bed to reach the nightstand and rummage through the drawer. He returned, brandishing a bottle of lubricant with a sly grin.

“No condoms?” Sousuke asked as Rin repositioned himself. “I swear I restocked.”

“We can do without.” Rin said, almost shyly.

“But don’t you hate cleaning up?”

“Every once in a while is fine, isn’t it?” Rin quipped, smearing a bit of the sticky lube on Sousuke’s chest in petulance. Sousuke chuckled.

“I’m protesting for you, you know.” Rin captured his lips with his.

“It’s fine. I want to feel you.” He said breathily. “Not, that,” His tone pitched to a tease for a moment. “I’ve really had any issue with that before. This just feels closer.” Rin felt the rumble through Sousuke’s chest as he laughed quietly.

“Who’s the sap now?”

“Shut up, idiot, and kiss me.”

Their kisses took on a more heated turn at that point. Rin moaned loud into Sousuke’s mouth when he felt large hands slide up, up, _up,_ along the contour of his thighs to cup possessively at the curve of his ass. Fingers dug into his flesh and he rolled his hips up into the touch, then down against the pooling heat in his groin. Sousuke’s lips trailed from Rin’s to nip along his jaw to the junction of his neck, inhaling deeply to breath in the perfume of his own soap mixed with Rin’s unique scent. Rin raked his hands through Sousuke’s cropped hair, pressing him close against him. Sousuke pressed his hips up and they both groaned as their growing arousals rubbed together, separated only by the thin fabric of Sousuke’s boxer briefs. With a lick of his lips, Rin shifted himself down along Sousuke’s body, nipping a trail of kisses along the way. He smiled mischievously as he locked gazes with Sousuke, whose eyes were dark and heavy-lidded with arousal, and pressed his cheek against the growing bulge beneath the soft cloth. “Looks like this place missed me as well.” He teased, tapping a finger on the dampening dark spot on the fabric before following it up with his mouth. Sousuke groaned as Rin blew a hot breath, the heat permeating through the fibers of the cloth, then teeth pressed gentle pinpricks against the sensitive flesh. Sousuke reached out to thread his fingers through Rin’s still damp red hair to press him closer as Rin teased him through his underwear with that sinfully skilled mouth. Then, two fingers hooked to either side of the waistband and Sousuke shifted his hips up as Rin tugged down, finally freeing his still half-hard length to the cool air. Rin hummed in pleasure and pressed the flat of his tongue along the veined underside, swiping up with a slow sensual lick before suckling on the tip as he gently gripped the base. A deep breath shuddered from Sousuke and Rin smiled before swallowing the head of the quickly hardening length. A low moan rumbled beneath him and he pressed further, slathering his tongue around Sousuke girth until he felt the head touch the back of his throat, before hollowing his cheeks and sucked as he pulled back with a loud wet noise, a moan of his own escaping with it.

“Good…” Sousuke murmured, voice pitched at the deep timbre that never failed to send anticipating shivers down Rin’s spine. “Rin, you’re so good…” Rin hummed at the praise, sending vibrations through the swelling organ in his mouth. He reached back to wrap a hand around his own now painfully hard arousal. Rin continued his ministrations, sucking, licking, nipping until Sousuke groaned his name once more, almost pleading. Rin gave a near pornographic keen as he pulled up and off of Sousuke’s cock with an obscenely wet pop. Licking his lips, he crawled back up to press his saliva-slicked mouth to Sousuke’s. “Were you always that good at that?” Sousuke mused in jest, “Or have you been practicing?” Rin snickered low.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

They continued to kiss, Sousuke’s roaming hands sliding across every reachable surface of Rin’s smooth skin until they came to a stop gripped gently around the dip of Rin’s waist. Rin moved easily with the tug of those hands until their positions flipped so that Rin was on his back, caged beneath his lover’s hulking frame.

“Hmm…” Rin hummed when he pulled back from their leisurely kiss. Sousuke marveled at how Rin’s beautiful hair fanned out to frame his face. Rin let out a quiet laugh, facing further flushing at the attention. “What’s with that dumb look on your face?” His smile then turned coy, almost challenging. Sousuke blinked as Rin’s hand cut into his field of vision to brandish the bottle of lubricant. “Care to do the honors?” Curling heat pooled low in Rin’s stomach as a slow adoring smile graced Sousuke’s lips.

“How could I resist?” Sousuke replied. Their fingers brush briefly as the bottle was exchanged then Sousuke ducked his head down. Rin squirmed as Sousuke kissed his way down his body, worshiping the soft skin. Lips wrapped over the swollen tip of Rin’s straining cock, suckling gently to the moans that slipped from his mouth as his hips trembled at the sensation. The feeling of Sousuke’s large hands that pressed his hips firmly down against the bed made Rin shudder and he shifted his legs up to wrap around his lover, ankles hooked between Sousuke’s shoulder blades.

“S-Sousuke…” Rin groaned breathily, voice hitching as he felt teeth scrape gently against him, “H-Hurry up, you asshole.” The chuckle rumbling from his lover wracked from his cock connected to Sousuke’s mouth all the way to the tip of his extremities. Rin threw his head back at the sensation, gasping loud as he felt the melting wet heat around him pull slowly up and off him. Gentle fingers suddenly cupped his jaw and his head was turned to meet an open mouthed kiss. “Hmm…gross…” Rin protested without conviction into Sousuke’s mouth. He turned his head away, enabling Sousuke as he kissed his way from his mouth, along his jaw to whisper huskily into his ear.

“Are you ready, Rin?” Rin snorted and smacked a hand lightly on Sousuke’s shoulder.

“So embarrassing. Get on with it.” Sousuke laughed, loud this time, and Rin lamented the loss of heat as Sousuke pulled back to sit on his heels. Rin gave a startled yelp when he was suddenly tugged down the bed by the hips, positioned so that his lower half lay propped up against Sousuke’s knees, thighs spread indecently wide to frame Sousuke’s hips. He flushed hotly in anticipation, embarrassed by his exposed position. There was a click as Sousuke open the lubricant’s bottle cap and Rin watched with expectant eyes as the thick slick fluid was squeezed onto a waiting hand. A drop slipped through Sousuke’s fingers and Rin’s skin jolted as it landed, cool on his inner thigh. “Sousuke…” Rin pleaded breathlessly. He pressed his knees into his lover’s sides. “Hurry up…” Sousuke only smiled gently and leaned forward for a kiss. Rin met it eagerly but it quickly devolved into a surprised moan as cool, wet, slick suddenly cupped between his legs with building pressure. He rolled his hips into Sousuke touch, the lubricant allowing their skin to slide against each other. Rin nipped at his lover’s ear in impatience, only to keen when a slippery finger pressed against his entrance.

“You’re twitching.” Sousuke’s voice rattled Rin to his bones with its depth. “I haven’t even put a finger in yet.”

“S-shut up.” Rin quipped. “It’s been forever and you’re being a fucking tease!” Rin nipped at Sousuke’s shoulder as he practically heard the smile splitting across his lover’s face. The slippery finger rubbed gentle teasing circles against him and Rin exhaled a deep breath to force the tension from within him. Slowly, Sousuke pressed in, broaching the tight ring of muscle.

“You alright?” Sousuke asked softly, eyes trained on Rin as pumped his finger slowly. Rin pursed his lips and pressed himself back again the digit.

“This is nothing, not nearly enough.” Rin kept his tone casual but his eyes flashed in challenge.

“You just love testing my self control, don’t you?” Sousuke mused as he curled his finger gently, making Rin’s cocky expression falter.

“Y-You never had very much to begin with.” The force of his retort was cut short as his breath hitched at the twist of the finger inside him. “Sousuke…” Rin whimpered pleadingly as the teasing continued. His thighs tensed and pressed hard against the jut of Sousuke’s hips as he felt the digit withdraw from him, only to be followed up by two fingers. The throbbing head of his cock wept at the increased intrusion and he reached between his legs to grip his length, moaning loud in pleasure.

“Shit, Rin…” Rin barely heard Sousuke murmur through his haze. “You’re driving me insane.” Rin folded his lips between his teeth when Sousuke’s finger grazed that wonderful sport within him, intense pleasure jolting through him.

“It’s your own damn fault.” He replied, struggling to keep his voice steady. “Fuck, Sousuke!” He threw his head back with his cry as a finger pressed that spot harder. “Goddamn it, Sousuke, hurry up! I want you inside me _now._ ”

“Patience, Rin.” Sousuke’s voice wasn’t particularly stable either. “We have to make sure you’re opened up nicely.” Rin’s weak retaliating kick was thwarted by a third finger pressing into him and his back arched up with a gasp as the pressure between his legs suddenly jumped. His hands grappled for purchase at the sheets and he felt the pre-cum drip steadily onto his stomach.

“Sousuke…” Rin’s voice went high, nearly cracking.

“Just a little more, Rin.” Sousuke rasped, voice rough from arousal. Rin thrashed, thighs jumping and squeezing around Sousuke’s sides as each pump of those fingers brushed that wonderful spot inside him, sending jolting pleasure down his nerves.

“Sousuke! I’ll come if you keep this up!” He cried, trying to aim a kick at his lover.

“That’s fine, Rin. Come if you want.” Sousuke’s replied, calm in the face of Rin’s desperation, as he curled his fingers. Rin let out another gasp before he grit his teeth and pushed himself up with his heels to the bed so that Sousuke’s fingers slipped out from him. In the next moment, he sat up and roughly pushed a stunned Sousuke onto his back, licking his lips as he sat himself firmly on the other’s hips. Rin lined their lengths up and ground down hard, eliciting a loud groan from the both of them.

“I said enough, you teasing bastard.” Rin growled, voice low as he grabbed the lube bottle. Sousuke yelped as Rin squeezed a generous dollop of the cool lubricant onto his length, wasting no time to slather the swollen organ. “I said,” his movements then turned ginger as he directed the tip to line up against him. “That I want—“ his voice hitched as he pressed down and Sousuke broached him, “You—“ he bit his lip, back arching as he dropped down slowly, his lover’s girth spreading him open, the stretch still slightly more uncomfortable than pleasurable. “Inside.” He finished as his ass pressed flush against his lover’s groin, Sousuke’s cock fully sheathed, searing hot, inside of him. Rin braced himself with his hands on Sousuke’s hard stomach, mind swimming at the fullness inside him, his breath coming out in heavy pants that were matched by Sousuke’s. “Goddamn.” Rin cursed under his breath. “Why are you so fucking huge…” Sousuke’s responding chuckle was strained.

“Well…I was trying to be careful.” Rin only glared and rolled his hips in retaliation, making the both of them cry out. The uncomfortable stretch Rin felt melded to pleasure. “Rin…” Sousuke’s voice came out hoarse with arousal. “Please…” And well, Rin could hardly deny that.

He started slow, rolling his hips and moving barely an inch up before pressing down. Sousuke’s large hands had come to grip almost painfully on his hips, but his weight kept Sousuke’s hips pressed firmly to the mattress, giving Rin full control of their activities. But the itch inside of him was getting increasingly unbearable, and Sousuke’s expression of awe and bliss being constantly directed at him was hardly helping to alleviate Rin’s arousal. He leaned down so their chests pressed hot and damped with sweat against each other, ass still grinding and pulling at the length inside him, his movement faster now, as he captured his lover’s lips in a sloppy kiss.

“Sousuke…” he breathed into that hot mouth, hands sliding up along Sousuke’s body to end buried in short cropped hair. He then kissed his way up along a chiseled jaw, sucking hard and bruising at a fluttering pulse point, to end with a nip at Sousuke’s earlobe. Licking his lips, he murmured low and heady, “Fuck me.”

Sousuke was quite sure he might go out right then and there from a heart attack with the way Rin was stringing him up tight in the way only Rin is capable of. So, when those two words linked as a demand reverberated through his entire body, he cracked. Sousuke’s hips, freed slightly when Rin had shifted his weight to lean down, snapped up out of Rin’s gyrating rhythm, forcing a surprised moan from the body above him. His arms wrapped firmly around Rin’s torso and with a heave of strength, he flipped them over, never once separating the connection between them. Sousuke barely glimpsed the flash of sharp teeth as Rin grinned with teasing anticipation and self-satisfaction before he threw his head back with a loud keen, back arching high as Sousuke’s hips snapped forward once more to commence a brutal rhythm, chanting his name all the while. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sousuke was grateful his bed was solid and sturdy, because the sound had it been otherwise would probably wake all thirty floors of the apartment complex. Not that Rin’s loud cursing and cries of pleasure mixed with his name were much better. But, he supposed if he had to deal with a loud rager banging out every other Saturday night from the floor above him that would go on until about 5AM every time, he should be allowed this much, at the very least.

Sweat dripped from him as he panted from the pleasure mounting with each thrust into Rin’s tight heat. He leaned forward for a kiss, thanking the heavens for Rin’s flexibility as he folded his lover nearly in half. Rin hungrily met his lips, arms snaking up to latch around his neck like an iron brace. The rhythm between them became erratic with their approaching climax. Sousuke reached between them to grip Rin’s leaking cock, drawing a loud moan from him as he began to pump. Rin’s fingers dug into the skin of his back, the pinpricks of pain indistinguishable from the intense bliss that surged through him. Rin’s entire body tensed in that telltale way Sousuke knew always preceded his orgasm and with a final thrust, he buried himself deep inside his lover, Rin’s name dying on his lips into the crook of Rin’s neck as he came hard and shuddering. Rin came not half a second a later, Sousuke’s name drawn out long as he climaxed. Rin’s tight heat clenched and convulsed around him, milking them both through the bliss as their hearts thudded, synchronized in time.

Sousuke collapsed off to the side, slipping out from Rin as he landed to lie beside him on the bed, their chests heaving for breath. Rin’s mind reeled from climax, body still buzzing as the tension he suddenly realized he had had for months, left him. When his head had cleared just enough, he turned to look at his lover beside him. Intense affection welled up within him at Sousuke’s dazed expression as he stared blankly up at the ceiling of the bedroom, and suddenly, Rin was overcome with fits of laughter. When Sousuke turned to look at him incredulously, he only rolled over to plant a loving kiss on swollen lips, ignoring the dull ache that suddenly throbbed through his lower half. Sousuke kissed back, fingers carding gently through Rin’s hair. Rin sighed in contentment before pulling back to rest his cheek on Sousuke’s chest, listening to his slowing heartbeat. Strong arms wrapped around him, warm and safe.

“Sousuke,” Rin murmured, voice slightly hoarse from his earlier enthusiasm, “I love you, Sousuke.”

 

Sousuke’s eyes closed at the words, arms tightening involuntarily around the body against him as he pressed a tender kiss to the top of Rin’s head. He only hummed in reply.

 

He knew he couldn't allow himself to say that he felt the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSYCH, I lied. Devastation is further delayed. You just get fluff and porn.


	5. Please, I don't want to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke finally does what he set out to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un-beta'd so please excuse grammar and typos!

Sousuke rose to consciousness at the feeling of sunlight spilling across his eyes and the heavy press of warmth on his chest. His eyes opened slowly, squinting at his illuminated ceiling, mind groggy with sleep. He distantly wondered why he didn’t fully close the blinds last night. The warmth on his chest shifted and something tickled his chin and tip of his nose. Red filled his line of sight as he looked down, stray strands glowing among the floating dust motes. Ah yes, that’s why. Sousuke closed his eyes once more as the previous night’s memories flooded back in a montage of smooth skin glistening with sweat, of breathless gasps, and teasing grins through rows of beautiful sharp teeth. Emotions followed next, a wave of happiness, desire, lust; the crushing embrace of love. But at the tail of end of his reveling, shattering everything in a single stroke, like a bone-breaking kick in the gut, was imposing dread and suffocating guilt. Sousuke stiffened despite himself, his arm lifting up to wrap protectively around the body against him, pulling Rin close so he could press a kiss to the top of his head, burying his nose in the tangled nest of hair. Rin only snuffled softly in sleep, unaware of the storm of emotion warring beneath him. Sousuke allowed himself to stay like that, breathing in the scent of his shampoo still lingering among the strands despite their rigorous activity the night before. He didn’t want to let go; he wanted that moment to last for eternity. Before he knew it, a lump formed in his throat, applying pressure to the backs of his eyes as tears threatened to fall. Taking a deep breath, Rin rising and falling with the movement of his chest, he pressed another kiss to his lover’s head before gingerly extricating himself from his embrace unable to keep himself there any longer without bursting. He swallowed hard, the action futile against the lump, and made his way to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

Rin was rather put out by the fact that he woke up alone, pouting petulantly as he drew idle circles among the folds of the Egyptian cotton sheets beneath him. Sousuke had always been one to insist on cuddling the morning after, the one to loathe leaving the bed when the option of lounging around all day entangled in each other’s arms was available. He rolled over with a hum, stretching on his back, eagle spread across the bed, still stark naked. Though, he supposed, he shouldn’t complain when such an enticing and mouthwatering aroma was drifting undoubtedly from the kitchen into the bedroom. He sat up, wincing slightly at the ache that throbbed through his lower half, though it produced a sense of satisfaction alongside gut-curling memories that sent heat shooting to his groin. But, that will have to wait until later, he mused as he gingerly stepped off the bed and walked, or rather, hobbled, to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

The next few days passed in bliss for the both of them. They couldn’t leave the spacious apartment for fear of being recognized, but they didn’t mind. If they ever felt antsy, there was a pool and a private gym to use in the apartment complex, though whenever they went together, those visits always spiraled into activities highly unsuitable for the specific facility. They were incredibly happy, talking to together, laughing together, eating together, sleeping together. There was sex, copious amounts of fantastic sex that frankly left no surface in the apartment safe from their exploits. Yet again, they were making up for months of separation, though somehow, it still didn’t seem like enough.

One thing Rin noticed, though, through the euphoria was that Sousuke never once said, “I love you.” He knew that it was a silly, petty thought, selfish even. He knew actions spoke louder than words, that linger touches and seemingly mundane actions said so much more than their literal meanings. But Sousuke, though naturally few in words, always said what was on his mind (sometimes without tact) and never held back when it came to declaring his love, even if it was to just elicit a reaction from Rin. However, he never said it once, not even in jest, since Rin walked through that door the night they were reunited. It had been a passing thought, but for some reason, Rin had latched on and it left a niggling sense of discontent in the back of his consciousness, like a drop of poison diffusing its way through his thoughts.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke knew he couldn’t keep it up much longer. He stared blankly at the strips of wood striating the floor beneath his feet, hunched over his knees at the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. Rin was in the shower, freshening up after their most recent tryst of morning frolicking. Sousuke closed his eyes and gritted his teeth as he thought that maybe he can work this out, that maybe he can talk to Rin’s manager to convince him that they can balance everything out. But it was too late to go back now, far too late when the week Sousuke had allowed himself to selfishly enjoy this bit of heaven suddenly turned to a week and a half and Rin was set to leave in three days time. Though he never was one to give himself so much credit for his place in Rin’s life, he knew Rin was a romantic and needed time to recover. The sound of the shower suddenly stopped and Sousuke’s hands curled into fists on his knees. He took a deep breath, listening to the ambient rustling and noise as Rin moved around the bathroom. There was a reason why he was so famous, a reason why he had earned every one of those awards. Sousuke was an actor, and a damn good one. With the release of his breath, his eyes opened and he was no longer “Sousuke”, he was someone else, someone he didn’t want to be, but had to be. Rin exited the bathroom then, steam spilling out behind him in clouds, as he ruffled his damp red hair with a towel.

“Rin.”

“Hm?”

“We need to talk.”  
“…About what?”

“Rin, I…I can’t do this anymore.”

 

* * *

 

A shudder ripped down Rin’s spine at Sousuke’s tone when he exited the bathroom, but he kept his voice light as he responded even as inexplicable dread suddenly pooled in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t the words that almost hissed from Sousuke’s lips. Rin swore his heart stopped in the moment of silence between them but when time turned again and he let out a shaky, awkward laugh.

“What are you going on about, Sousuke?” He asked airily, turning away to face the vanity while eyeing Sousuke’s hunched figure through the mirror, all under the guise of fixing his own hair. There was another deafening moment of silence.

“I said…” Sousuke began again, voice firmer, lower. “ I can’t do this anymore.” And there it was, the poison suddenly bloomed to a toxin that spread all the way down to tips of Rin’s fingers. He whipped around to face Sousuke, who still hadn’t looked up.

“Can’t do _what_ , exactly?” Rin snapped as suddenly rage welled up inside him. He stalked to the hunched figure, shoving hard at Sousuke’s shoulders until he looked up. His blue eyes that had always been soft and gentle when they looked Rin’s way were now sharp and icy cold. “Can’t do what, Sousuke?” Rin repeated through his teeth. “Whatever it is you’re doing, it’s not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be funny, Rin.” Sousuke replied, voice infuriatingly aloof. If Sousuke had been wearing a shirt, Rin would have gripped the collar, but instead, he pressed his hands to his shoulders, fingers digging into muscled flesh.

“Then what are you doing, Sousuke? What is it you can’t do?” Rin asked, his voice reaching as dangerous of a decibel as Sousuke’s.

Sousuke coldly batted Rin’s hands off of him, though his inner self, his real self, vehemently fought the action. He wanted nothing more than to pull Rin against him, to embrace him and bury his face in his hair, to apologize and say he was kidding. But he couldn’t now. He had started down this path and couldn’t go back now. “Us.” Sousuke replied, forcing himself to look straight into Rin’s blazing eyes. He could see the indignant rage building within them. “I can’t do _us_ anymore, Rin.” Sousuke stood, forcing Rin to stumble back as Sousuke’s larger frame suddenly loomed. His next words were bitter and sour on his tongue and he spat it out like venom. “I don’t love you anymore, Rin.”

 

* * *

 

Watching Rin’s heart shatter through the window of his fiery eyes, and the sensation of his own heart splintering apart with it, nearly made Sousuke backpedal, nearly made him take back everything, nearly made him ruin everything he’d been building to. Rin’s gaze fell then, breaking the connection between as strands of still damp hair fell over to shadow his eyes so that Sousuke not see the expression he wore. “Did nothing,” Rin began then, voice low and barely above a whisper, “Did nothing these past few days mean anything to you?” The question felt like a knife to Sousuke’s chest.

“Nothing.” Sousuke replied, and even he surprised himself at how steadily he replied, even as he was screaming inside, banging against the impenetrable iron wall he had learned to skillfully erect when he did his job.

“You bastard.” Rin hissed, suddenly looking up. Sousuke had expected tears, even anger, but nothing prepared him for the blazing unadulterated fury storming behind those red eyes. “YOU FUCKING SON-OF-A-BITCH DAMN FUCKING BASTARD!” Rin shouted this time and suddenly Sousuke was reeling, stumbling back as head-splitting pain smarted along his jaw. When he oriented himself, Rin was flexing his hand from a fist, frame shaking. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU.” Sousuke couldn’t help but flinch, expecting Rin to punch him again, but he didn’t. Instead, he became a tempest, whirling around the room as he grabbed his belongings, indiscriminately shoving them into his lone suitcase, all the while shouting at the top of his lunges so loud that Sousuke’s ears rang. “I TRUSTED YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU.” Sousuke remained silent, clinging to the gradually crumbling walls of his inner fortress, not trusting himself to speak. “I BELIEVED YOU, I BELIEVED IN US, AND YOU PULL THIS BULLSHIT ON ME? IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE? OH I SEE, HOW MANY OTHER DAMN WHORES HAVE YOU BEEN SPOUTING YOUR ROMANTIC NONSENSE TO?” Sousuke wasn’t really sure what Rin was talking about anymore, but he didn’t dare act. He had seen this side of Rin only once before, back when he had been struggling to get STYLE FIVE recognized, when he thought his dream had been hopeless. He knew that Rin was being irrational, letting his emotions spill over without discretion, blinded by rage. But he also knew Rin would recover, believed he would, just as he had done then, just as he had always done. “I CAN’T BELIEVE I WASTED HALF MY LIFE ON YOUR GOOD-FOR-NOTHING STUPID FUCKING ASS.” Sousuke winced despite himself; the words still hurt. Rin clasped his suitcase shut with enough force to nearly break the clasp. “YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCKING FINE. WE’RE DONE. WE’RE FUCKING DONE.” Sousuke could only watch as Rin stalked to the door, suitcase rattling behind him. “I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR GODDAMN PISS-ASS FUCKING FACE EVER AGAIN.” And like that he was gone. The slamming of the door still ringing, slicing through the suddenly bone-breaking crushing silence that settled in the entire apartment. The pressure was too much and Sousuke collapsed to his knees, curling over as the wall inside him crumbled and he returned to himself, all the hurt and pain he had fought back suddenly rushing forward, drowning him, as he let out a choked sob into the cold silence.

 

* * *

 

The moment Rin stepped outside, the rage boiling within him suddenly evaporated, as if the cool crisp fall air had sucked every bit of emotion out from with him. He was hit with all-consuming regret, knuckles smarting as he suddenly remembered the blow he had landed on his now former lover and the words he said. He almost turned around, read to go back, ready to plead, but he was then swallowed by hollowness, feeling nothing as he mechanically kept walking forward, away from the luxurious glass doors, and hailed a cab. He remained as such all the way to the airport, as he bought the first ticket he could get, as he ignored the whispers and unwelcomed enthusiastic calls for attention when he was undoubtedly recognized. He felt nothing, mind empty, as he boarded the flight, humbly taking the economy class, gaining a twisted form of refuge from the cramped space and the lack of legroom. The world flew by in a blur, melding into ending sky as the plane took off. Not even the beautiful sunset, staining the horizon in stunning hues, could move Rin’s cold heart as he pressed his forehead to an equally cold window, idly wondering if maybe his stare could blow an engine and bring the plane down so he wouldn’t ever have to feel again, wouldn’t have to think again. His conscience dismissed the idea, however, distantly rationalizing that the other people onboard didn’t deserve to suffer with him. He was alone, and from then on, he will always be alone.

 

* * *

 

Haru didn’t know what to make of the crack that seemingly appeared out of nowhere on the mug he held in his hand. It was Rin’s mug, the one he always used when he visited Haru’s humble abode he’d inherited from his parents by the seaside in their small hometown. The sight unsettled him and the feeling only turned to dread as the doorbell suddenly rang through the house.

“Oh? Someone’s here?” Makoto’s dulcet voice called through the sound. Haru heard his heavy footfalls as he walked through the house. “I wonder who it is? I’ll get it.” Haru carefully set the mug down and quickly headed towards the entranceway, reaching his usual spot by Makoto’s side just as he opened the door.

The figure that stood behind it was not one Haru recognized. Normally perfectly style red hair lay limp and lifeless, shoulder always poised in domineering confidence, slumped low and without vitality. But what jarred Haru the most, what made his stomach drop straight to his feet, was the pair of eyes that stared dully back at him, devoid of the spark that lit them like gems of fire.

“R-Rin!” Haru heard Makoto exclaim in astonishment beside him. The voice that croaked from between increasingly trembling lips was foreign and unfitting.

“Haru…Ma-Mako…to.” Rin’s voice cracked and stuttered at the second name. Makoto yelped, stirring from being frozen in shock as Rin suddenly dropped to his knees, hunched over as shudders wracked his body. Haru only watched as the steady flow of tears dripped from the bowed head, staining the ground in a mocking piece of pointillism. Beside him, Makoto stooped down instantly, placing a hand on the sobbing figure, providing comfort in the way only he could provide. Haru saw nothing but Rin’s figure sobbing on the step of his front door. He saw nothing but red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...I'm so fucking sorry...........


	6. I Can't Forget You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither of them are having a great time.

Haru looked up at the sound of footstep behind him and turned to face Makoto as he approached him, his wide shoulders slumped in solemn fatigue.

“Rin finally fell asleep.” He said gently, folding his tall frame to sit beside Haru at the kotatsu. “I also just called Seijuurou. He’s given us an extra week to help him.” Neither of them had to voice out the suspicious convenience the fact garnered. “Haru—“ Haru stood immediately then, pausing only when a large hand gripped his wrist, tugging insistently but gently to keep him from leaving. Haru knew if their eyes met, he wouldn’t be able to hide his intention from his lover; as if Makoto didn’t know already. “Haru, don’t.” Makoto pleaded, tugging a little harder now until Haru acquiesced and sat back down.

“I can’t just let this be.” Haru stated, glaring at the center of the kotatsu, hands curling into tight fists. Makoto’s hand moved from Haru’s wrist to coax one fist open, rubbing soothing circles on the back of the palm with a thumb.

“I know you’re mad, Haru.” Makoto said gently, “I’m angry, too. It’s not fair that this happened to Rin. But,” his voice lowered, so soft that even Haru had to strain to hear, “I don’t think Yamazaki wanted to do this either.”

“Then why did he do it?” Haru nearly hissed, “If he knows him as well as we do, he should know that something like this would break his heart.” Makoto sighed.

“I know you tend not to get too involved with these kinds of things, but Seijuurou has been giving Rin grief about it. You noticed it, too, right? Rin has been slipping off after performances, avoiding staying too long during fan meetings. It’s been really affecting his image.” Haru continued to glower darkly without replying. “But you know how Rin is, he does what his heart tells him to do, so I’m sure the pressure was then moved to Yamazaki. He probably wasn’t given a choice—“

“Coward.” Haru spat. “He’s a coward for not trying to work it out, to keep Rin happy.” Makoto laced their fingers together, part in comfort, part in warning.

“Now Haru,” He said sternly, “That’s not fair. I’m sure Yamazaki has his reasons. Rin loves him very much and even you could tell Yamazaki loves him back from the few times we have met him.” Haru ducked his head in reluctant agreement.

“Then what should we do, Makoto? Tell him that Yamazaki still loves him?” Makoto sighed heavily then.

“See, that’s the thing. Rin told me a bit of what happened, even when I insisted that he didn’t have to. I think it was more out of despair than anything but…Yamazaki said he didn’t love him anymore.” The grip around Haru’s hand tightened just as Haru’s muscled tensed once more, ready to spring to action. “Haru,” Makoto continued firmly, ”You and I both know that’s not true, but Rin has taken those words to heart and you know how much he is going to hurt from today on. What he needs right now are his friends to keep him grounded.”

Haru’s blood boiled. He wanted nothing more than to see the bastard dead in a ditch. Makoto’s hand moved from his to gently grip Haru’s arm. “Haru,” Makoto’s voice took on that gentle tone Haru knew he wouldn’t be able to deny, “Please don’t do anything brash. For Rin’s sake. Once we have him back to himself, we can take some more action.” With sigh, Haru leaned into the touch, a headache beginning to throb behind his eyes.

 

* * *

 

“Sir.”

“—zaki.“

“Mr. Yamazaki!”

The world around him suddenly focused as Sousuke was jolted from his thoughts back to the bustling filming set. He looked up from his seat at his manager’s disapproving expression as she stood before him with her arms crossed, fingering tapping impatiently on a clipboard. “Mr. Yamazaki, you have been awfully distracted.” Sousuke only shifted, keeping the movement as casual as he could as he crossed his own arms to mirror her.

“Sorry.” He apologized without feeling, brushing off her accusation. “What were you saying?” He watched dully as her lips pursed and her brow furrowed at his response. He recognized that looked and groaned inwardly at the inevitable.

“Mr. Yamazaki,” She began, her voice authoritative and firm, “You were the one to demand that we get a head start in preparing for the next part of filming. You were fortunate enough that so many people were eager and willing to give up half of their vacation to assist you, myself included.” Sousuke tried to not shrink in his seat as she piled on the guilt. Instead, he shifted again, turning away to rest his mouth on his palm and avoided her gaze.

“I’m sorry.” He said, with more meaning this time, “Let’s keep going.” There was a tense moment of silence before his manager sighed and let her clipboard fall to her side. When she spoke again, her voice was low.

“Is this about a certain red-headed idol?” Sousuke stiffened and shot her the darkest glare he could. To his satisfaction, she recoiled slightly. But of course, that did not deter her. “What happened, Mr. Yamazaki? I need to know if this will affect you from now on.” He couldn’t help but click his tongue as he stood abruptly from his seat and stalked towards his dressing room. The click of her heels, ever present beside him, only roused more irritation. “Mr. Yamazaki—“ She called again as they approached his dressing room door. Sousuke rounded on her then.

“I did what you wanted.” He hissed, “I ended it! I broke his heart, shattered mine, and ended it.” He only glimpsed her stunned expression before he shut the door on his face and leaned heavily against it.

Gritting his teeth, he tried to bite back the growing lump in his throat, the remorse for snapping at his manager already building. With a shaky breath, he slid down to sit on the ground, head hanging between his knees as he tried to rein his emotions under control. He knew he was acting like a child, but the ache in his heart hadn’t eased a singled bit since that day.

After Rin had stormed out, it taken barely twelve hours before Sousuke couldn’t stand staying in his own apartment any longer. How could he, when every corner, every surface, had Rin’s presence on it? From the scent on his sheets when Rin had been in his arms, to the dent on the couch where Rin loved to curl up to read, everywhere he looked was Rin, Rin, _Rin_. But, even leaving the apartment wasn’t an escape, as the littlest things would remind of him red hair falling over redder eyes. It was then that he thought that maybe work would take his mind off things; so he called up his manager to make a request that had somehow miraculously gone through.

Sousuke curled over further, fingers threading through his hair to grip hard at his scalp. Work, it turns out, had only made it harder because his dream, that very dream that had been so interconnected with Rin’s, that had been spurred by the desire to be _with Rin_ , suddenly felt hollow and meaningless. The pressure building behind his eyes finally spilled through and he couldn’t help the quiet choked sob from escaping him. Without Rin, _then what was the point?_

 

* * *

 

It had taken Makoto the rest of the week to coax Rin from wallowing in a curled up ball of misery in the guest room Haru had prepared for him. Rin had barely spoken since he arrived, only giving short listless responses when addressed directly. Even the peace and quiet loving Haru found it unsettling when they would sit in long stretching silences on the porch. Haru had always been more reliant on actions than words, hoping that perhaps his presence would help his friend, but without Rin’s typical chatter and bright enthusiasm, he felt strange.

Rin wasn’t eating either. Makoto shared a worried glance with Haru as they sat together at the small dining table. Across from them, Rin sat in silence with his head bowed, the food in front of him, consisting of his very beloved meat, untouched.

“Rin.” Makoto pleaded gently. “Please try and eat. It won’t do your health any good if you don’t.” There was a delay before Rin replied.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, voice so soft both Makoto and Haru nearly missed it, “I’m just…feeling a bit sick.” The couple shared another worried look.

“I can make you something lighter.“ Haru began to offer. Rin glanced up at him, a look on his face Haru couldn’t quite read.

“No, it’s fine…” Rin said quietly after a moment. “Thanks, Haru.” They fell into a silence once more. Makoto’s hand was on Haru’s knee and squeezing in warning even before he spoke, but he ignored it.

“Rin,” he started, “You can’t—“

“I know.” Rin interrupted. The couple watched as his shoulders hunched and his form stiffened. “I’m sorry, I know I’m being a burden. I’m going to leave tomorrow—“

“Rin!” Makoto protested. “Don’t say that, you’re not a burden! We’re you’re friends, of course we’ll be here to help you.” Rin gave them a shaky smile. It was the worst smile Haru or Makoto had ever seen on him. It was one they never wanted to see on him again.

“I know, Makoto. I really appreciate what you’ve done. Haru, too. But I just…” Rin’s gaze fell once more to his lap. “I just want to be alone for a while.”

“Rin—“ Haru began in alarm, rising slightly in his seat.

“I won’t do anything stupid, I promise.” Rin supplied resolutely. “I’ll be back, I just…I just need some time to myself.” Haru allowed himself to relax slightly as Makoto rested a calming hand on his arm.

“If you do that Rin, will you promise to at least keep us updated? So we know you’re ok?” asked Makoto. Rin only nodded as if he had used up his capacity to talk as he had spoken more in the past few minutes than he had in the past few days. Haru finally relaxed fully in his seat and pinned his friend with a hard stare.

“Rin.” He said. “Remember that we’re here for you.”

The difference in the smile he gave them then was a crushing relief.

 

* * *

 

The days passed in a dull blur for Sousuke. He had essentially put himself on autopilot, though doing his job it no longer had any feeling to it. Luckily, he was good at what he did, though his lack of passion made his efficiency suffer where a scene that would usually take him only one try to nail would take three, six, a dozen. One scene had needed thirty-four takes because he couldn’t put his heart into the on-screen romance when it lay shattered in his living room floor in his long abandoned apartment. He felt bad for the lead actress, though she regularly expressed her understanding. Off-camera he was broody and closed-off, though not much different from how he usually was, there was an added overall repulsive atmosphere around him. No one dared approached him as all attempts, mainly from his manager, only earned a dark scowl.

It was weeks before Sousuke saw Rin’s face again in the form of an entertainment magazine cover spread, which was a wonder considering the hype that’s being put into STYLE FIVE’s upcoming nationwide tour. Even after all the long nights spent in a barren hotel room trying to move on, trying to forget and accept his regret, Rin’s face, bright and smiling, didn’t fail to steal his breath right from his lungs. He reached for the magazine without realizing it, running a thumb along the curve of the singer’s face on the glossy cover. Perhaps he was being presumptuous, but something about Rin’s expression didn’t quite fit. Sousuke let out a quiet laugh, curt and bitter, as he shook away the thought and put the magazine back in its place. He pulled the cap he wore low over his eyes, a poor excuse for a disguise, but no one had bothered him so far. Rin had, without a doubt, moved on from him, just like Sousuke knew he would.

 

* * *

 

After Rin had left the morning he said he would, though his plan to sneak off early in the morning without Haru or Makoto knowing had failed, he had vanished for an entire week. But, as he had promised, he had dutifully sent a single “Good night” every evening. Even still, it had been a relief when he showed up at the studio alongside everyone else the day the idol group was supposed to reconvene.

Rin dove into his work, though everyone close to him could tell the smiles he put on and the laughs he barked out were all a farce. Haru frowned slightly he caught another one of Makoto’s worried looks shot his way. The moment the lights had dimmed and the interviewer turned her seat for the makeup artist to tend to her, Rin’s face had fallen as if a mask had slipped off.

“Excuse me,” Rin said quietly as he stood, “I need to use the restroom.” Haru’s eyes followed his figure as he exited the set. Makoto only shook his head gently when Haru turned his attention to him in question.

Rin did return ten minutes later, with a smile back in place, though it looked a bit stiffer than normal.

 

* * *

 

The last thing Sousuke expected when he answered the knock on his hotel room door was to see heart-stopping familiar red hair falling over piercing red eyes. He expected even less for the eye level of those eyes to be much lower and for the hair to be much longer. But, he was quickly yanked from his astonishment by a stinging slap on the cheek that shocked him so much he stumbled back, only to trip on his feet and land hard on his ass. When he looked up, face smarting, he was met with red eyes flashing dangerously from narrowed eyes. Gou Matsuoka stood barely up to Sousuke’s chest, but right then, towering over his crumpled form on the ground, she was the most terrifying sight he had ever seen.

“Good morning, Sousuke.” She said sweetly, drawing herself up, hand flexing with a gesture so similar to another redhead’s weeks before. “Long time no see. How about a little chat?”

 

Sousuke wasn’t really sure how closely he could approach Gou as he handed her the steaming mug of complimentary instant coffee.

“Don’t worry.” She said nonchalantly, taking the mug and added cream and sugar. “I won’t hit you again.” Sousuke wasn’t really sure if he could believe her, not when he had known her for as long as he has and with his cheek still prickling slightly. “I would have punched you, but my knuckles still ache from when I socked Seijuurou.” Sousuke hesitantly acted on his surprise.

“You…” he asked, speaking for the first time since she arrived. “You went to him, too?”

“Oh, didn’t you know?” she asked unconcernedly, sipping her coffee, “I’ve been seeing him for the past few months. Of course, after I found out that he separated you and big brother, I punched him and he’s been delegated to the couch since. But enough about me.” She adjusted her seat and smoothed her skirt before leaning forward to pin Sousuke with a hard and achingly familiar glare. “I meant to find you earlier, but work kept me busy.” Sousuke had to fight the urge to shrink away from her penetrating gaze. “I’ll keep it short and sweet. Go fix things with my brother.”

Sousuke flinched. There really couldn’t have been any other reason for her to be here. “You know I can’t do that, Gou.” He replied quietly after a moment. “He said he didn’t want to see me again. Plus,” he couldn’t keep the melancholy from his voice, “he’s moved on already.” She gaped at him for a moment before leaning back to pinch her brow, a heavy sigh escaping her color-stained lips.

“Goodness, how stupid can you both get?” she lamented before shifting again to rest her chin on her hand. “You know, for all the complaining that you do about my brother being melodramatic, you’re just as much of a drama queen, Sousuke.” Sousuke wasn’t really sure how to reply to that. “Honestly, Sousuke, you should know him better than that. You should know _each other_ better than that.” She pursed her lips when Sousuke still didn’t respond. “I want you to reconcile with him. Tell him the truth because he won’t believe anything until it comes from your stupid mouth.”

“I…I can’t do that.”

“Why not.”

“Because—“

“Because nothing.” Gou quipped. “I can’t believe this is even happening. You’re finally together and then THIS happens. You even told him that you don’t love him anymore! Which is the biggest bullshit I have ever heard in my life and I can’t believe my idiot brother actually bought it. I grew up watching you two throw goo-goo eyes at each other for years. Don’t love him? Hah!”

Sousuke was feeling increasingly smaller as Gou continued to scoff at the situation. His hand nervously crept up to rub at the back of his neck. But Gou’s demeanor when serious then, voice softer but laden with worry.  
“He’s not doing well, Sousuke. You really broke his heart.” The words were like shards of glass twisting in his chest. “Even if you had to take a break, couldn’t you have done it a better way? Why did you do the both of you have to suffer like this—AH. Don’t deny it.” She quipped when Sousuke moved to speak. “I know your suffering, too Sousuke. Don’t even bother with whatever stupid manly image you’re trying.” That hadn’t been what he wanted to say, but he didn’t bother correcting her. Gou sighed loudly before standing.

“I already spoke to Seijuurou and he said that if you two can properly make an effort to balance things out this time, he’ll let you keep seeing each other.” It was Sousuke’s turn to scoff then.

“Since when did he become his mother?”

“Unfortunately,” Gou replied with a warning with her voice, daring Sousuke to succumb to the anger that was starting to flare. “he IS my brother’s manager and has some say seeing as your relationship does affect his image.” Sousuke’s lips thinned but he looked away.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered after a moment. Gou sighed and approached him, gingerly resting a hand on his cheek, thumb rubbing soothingly on the tender red mark she’d left there.

“Take more time if you need it as well, alright, Sousuke? But don’t take too long. I want _both_ my brothers back, before it’s too late.” She pressed a kiss to his forehead and patted his cheek before pulling back to shoulder her bag. “And call me once in a while. If you’re not talking to brother, then I never know what you’re up to.” Sousuke only nodded, not looking up even when the door closed shut behind her.

 

* * *

 

“I’m worried about Rin-chan…” Nagisa muttered, drawing moody circles with a finger on the meeting table. Beside him, Rei crossed his arms and frowned as well.

“Yes…I’m worried about him as well. He obviously hasn’t been eating much and he’s getting awfully thin. Anymore and he’ll be seriously ill.”

“Rei-chan, I don’t want Rin-chan to die!” Nagisa wailed, fat tears streaming down his cheeks as he gripped the other.

“Now, now,” Makoto placated quickly, “No one said anything about dying. Rin’s just been going some tough times. We’re all looking after him, aren’t we?”

“He doesn’t sleep either.” Haru interjected. Though he looked rather annoyed by the ordeal, Makoto could tell he was incredibly worried. Nagisa sniffled loudly.

“Can’t we just go kidnap Sou-chan and have them make up? I bet you Sou-chan is also really upset.” Makoto sighed heavily.

“You know, I’m beginning to think that might be what we have to do. We’ve got our Tokyo performance this weekend. Why don’t we go find him after, since we’ve got a few days until the next one?”

 

* * *

 

Rin tried to ignore the pounding headache forming behind his eyes. He had learned to ignore the aches and pains that have plagued him for the past few weeks but this particular headache was being awfully persistent. He flinched when a makeup brush was unexpectedly shoved at him and he scowled, batting it away. “Enough, enough.” He barked. “I don’t want anymore of that stuff caked on me.” Turning away from the makeup artist’s stunned face, he pinched his brow with hopes to ease the headache and waved her off. “Sorry.” He apologized, just a bit more than half-hearted. “Thanks, this is fine.”

Just this one performance and then he could sleep. Not that he was getting much sleep to begin with. He resisted the urge to rub his eyes as doing so would smear the makeup already there and he’d be forced into a touch-up. Once the makeup artist left, his dressing room was silent, save for the bustling outside. He enjoyed the temporary relief from keeping up a front and sagged boneless into his chair, eyes slipping closed with the steady throbbing against his skull. He was exhausted and really would like to succumb to sleep’s embrace but every time he tried, he’d only see icy blue as the resonating words “I don’t love you anymore” scattering the pieces of his heart just when he thought he’d pulled the shards back together. His throat suddenly tightened and he stiffly set his jaw; crying now would only make the rest of the evening a hassle.

“Matsuoka!” Rin looked up at the knock on his door and the call of his name. “STYLE FIVE is up in ten. You should head backstage.” Rin let out a deep sigh as he stood from his seat, stumbling slightly as his head rushed at the movement.

“Got it!” he called and he waited for the spots before his vision to clear. With a roll of his neck, he left the dressing room to find the other members of his band.

 

It was too bright and too loud. Rin’s ears rang with the thundering screams that erupted as the stage eased up before the audience. He squinted at the spotlights directed right at him and suddenly felt his skin grow clammy as he broke out in a sweat.

“Rin.” Rin looked down at the hand that gripped him, then up at Haru’s worried face. “Are you alright?” Haru asked through the audience’s ruckus. Rin waved him off just as the opening chord blasted through the speakers. He moved with the rest of the group, just as his muscle memory told him, but the world around him was beginning to sway. Suddenly he was jolted forward as Nagisa bumped into him, who faced him first with a look of apology, then surprise, finally ending with concern. Rin only stumbled away, back to his position. Then, just as the riff leading up to the song’s lyrics rang through the speakers and he opened his mouth to sing, the ground swept out from beneath him. The last thing he registered was the loud simultaneous gasp from the audience followed by the rest of the group crouched over him in alarm as the music blasted, vocal-less, over them. The world dimmed around him, but he couldn’t resist the promise of sleep as he was enveloped by darkness.


	7. Never Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haaaaaaaaaaa I'm still alive. Though barely. I'm sorry this chapter was such a long time coming, I was really stuck with how to write it for a long while and...I'm not really sure I'm QUITE happy with it, but I couldn't really think of any other way to do it. BUT YEAH...I hope you guys enjoy this.  
> Un-beta'd, so sorry for typos and grammar mistakes!

Sousuke’s heart stopped as he stared at the news anchor’s serious expression through the store front television. Behind her an unsteady cellphone clip played on repeat, making the figure illuminated by bright stage lights fall once, twice, over and over again until Sousuke thought he might empty the contents of his heart and his stomach right there on the side of the street.

“Rin Matsuoka, a member of the popular idol group STYLE FIVE, collapsed at the start of a performance in Tokyo last night. This morning, hundreds of worried fans are gathered outside Ocean Sound Records in hopes of hearing news about the idol.” The screen cut then to pan over a crowd bustled before a building Sousuke himself had only seen a few times. Another cut centered the camera on Mikoshiba’s familiar shock of bright red hair, face hardened into a grim expression as he attempted to shoulder his way through the crowds while microphones jabbed at him like barbs.

“Seijuurou Mikoshiba, what do you have to say about this incident?”  
“Is this a sign of severe overworking? Has the idol industry gone too far?”

“Did it really take one of them collapsing on stage for the truth to be out?”

Sousuke’s neck prickled in rage as he watched the man do his best to ignore the prying questions. He had heard about the suffocating contracts many idols were often locked into and the thought had worried him endlessly until Rin had reassured him that Mikoshiba was a good and honest man who respected his clients. But if he had in reality been like all the others--

“Think what you want about the industry, but I would _never_ cause any of my clients such harm.” Sousuke’s jaw clenched at the sheer vehement sincerity in Mikoshiba’s voice as he barked into one microphone. “Matsuoka has been feeling ill as of late and we have all been keeping an eye on him. Despite asking him many times to take time off, he insisted on continuing his work. We did not know his condition had worsened to this degree.”

Sousuke sighed, the relief from confirming Mikoshiba’s character coursed through him but only fleetingly…What about Rin? What happened to him? Was he alright?

Sousuke was wrenched from the panic in his thoughts by the sound of his phone buzzing in his pocket. But he’d barely uttered a greeting when a voice quipped harshly through the speaker.

“Sousuke. Get your ass to the hospital.” It took Sousuke a moment to place a name to the voice, his mind still jumbled by thoughts of Rin.

“G-Gou?” He breathed.

“Yes, Sousuke. It’s me. Did you hear me? I want you there now. Todai Hospital. If you’re not there by the end of the day, I’ll drag you there myself.”

“But Gou—“

  
“No buts, Sousuke. Fix this. Fix him and fix yourself. I’ll talk to you later.” The line cut dead, leaving Sousuke staring at his feet to the voiceless crackle of static.

 

* * *

 

The blast of heat as he entered the hospital’s sliding glass doors, while a relief from the biting cold outside, did nothing to stop the cold sweat that suddenly broke out on his skin. He nervously tipped the hat he wore lower over his eyes, fingers fidgeting slightly to ease their trembling. There was already a mob of reporters outside, no doubt waiting for news regarding Rin. Thankfully, none of them had recognized him.

With a nervous lick of his lips, he approached the front desk, only to realize he had no idea how to introduce himself or how to find Rin.

“Er…” he started eloquently, catching the attention of the attendant at the desk. “I’m uh…” He was sweating far too much and no doubt looking far too suspicious. Not even his acting ability could calm him. The attendant eyed him critically before recognition followed by shock passed over her face. Panic coursed through Sousuke as he realized he was recognized and reflexively prepared to give a well-rehearsed excuse, but the next instant, her expression became neutral. When she spoke, her voice tone was professional.

“Yes, of course. Follow me.” Sousuke’s brow furrowed slightly in confusion, but he shuffled after the woman nonetheless.

He wasn’t sure why he expected otherwise, but when they turned a corner after a long quiet stroll through increasingly deserted halls, he was surprised to see the rest of STYLE FIVE gathered in the corridor. A blond head of hair looked up from nervous fidgeting with a cry of “Sou-chan!”

The attendant left Sousuke with a shallow, polite bow. His neck prickled then and he turned to meet Haruka Nanase’s icy glare pinned on him.

“What are you doing here?” Nanase might as well have hissed. Sousuke curled his hands into fists and shoved them into his pockets. He didn’t really know how to answer that himself.

“How is he?” He asked, ignoring the question. Nanase jolted out of his seat then, only to be thwarted by an arm thrown out before him. Makoto Tachibana gave Nanase a stern look.

“Why should you care?” Nanase spat instead. “You did this to him.” With all the emotional turmoil within him, Sousuke could hardly retrain the irrational rage he felt at the accusation. Not even Tachibana’s scolding cry of Nanase’s name eased it.

“I did?” he asked, voice just barely above a whisper. “What do you mean ‘I did this’?”

The expression on Nanase’s face was as cold as steel and just as sharp.

“You broke his heart.” Nanase stated. “He trusted you, gave himself to you, and you toyed with him.” His words felt like a blade to Sousuke’s heart.

“I never did such a thing.” He declared over Tachibana’s increasingly distressed scolding. “I would never do such a thing!” Sousuke tensed as he watched Nanase coil to throw another retort, but Tachibana successfully thwarted him this time.

“Enough, Haru, Yamazaki!” He cried as he inserted himself between the arguing pair. “Fighting here won’t fix anything! It won’t help Rin.” That made the both of them shut up, though the tension did not lessen. Tachibana sighed and turned to Sousuke. “Yamazaki…why did you do it? Did you really have that little faith in Rin?” If Nanase’s words were a blade to his heart, Tachibana’s felt as if he had taken the hilt and twisted it. Sousuke felt himself wilt then, head falling to stare at his feet.

“It’s not that…” Silence fell over them as they waited for Sousuke’s response. “I love him…and I’ll never stop loving him.” He started, voice weak. “But his dream…he’s living it and he’s amazing, but I can’t help but feel that I’m holding him back. If he has to make time for me…that takes away from him doing what he loves.”

“Sou-chan.” They all turned to Nagisa, his blond head bowed over his knees as he sat hunched in his seat. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe you were a part of Rin-chan’s dream?” His tone was low and serious, a shock to Sousuke who always considered him a bit of a ditz.

“I—“

“That’s enough.” Even if the voice had been weak, all five heads whipped instantly to the figure leaning heavily on the doorway. Rin regarded them with tired eyes. Sousuke couldn’t help but notice how his hospital gown draped too loosely over a far too thin frame.

“Rin!” Tachibana was the first to cry out, “You shouldn’t be up—“

“I’m fine, Makoto.” Rin interrupted with a raised hand. His gaze never left Sousuke, pinning him in place. Sousuke did not recognize those red eyes, despite seeing them hundreds of times. They were cold, dull, and held none of the fire he had grown to love.

“Rin.” Haru called next, but Rin waved him off as well.

“Thanks for defending me, Haru, but I need to handle this myself.” Rin turned back around then, gesturing for Sousuke to follow him, and padded back into the hospital ward.

 

* * *

 

Rin had woken to heavy limbs and a steady beeping. A sluggish scan of his surroundings allowed his brain, still clouded from exhaustion, to conclude he was in the hospital, hooked up to an IV and heart monitor. _Pathetic_ , he had thought, staring up at the blank ceiling.

He had then heard voices, muffled by the door; first, a familiar monotone that could only belong Haru, though Rin had never heard more venom in it than right then. It was quickly followed by Makoto’s scolding cry of Haru’s name. But it was the third voice that made his heart twist at its familiarity, a deep, low rumble that had haunted him for the past two months yet made his heart ache. After a brief struggle of yanking the IV drip out of his arm and disentangling other wires, he had dragged his body to the door, suddenly aware of the exhaustion that gripped it, the exhaustion he had so stubbornly ignored. When he opened the door, he was hardly surprised to find Sousuke and Haru at a standoff.

But now that he was alone with Sousuke in the quiet of the hospital ward, Rin wasn’t sure whether he wanted to punch him or kiss him. He settled back down on the hospital bed, sighing heavily like an old man resting weak joints. Sousuke stood at a more than respectful distance, his wide frame slightly curled into himself in a way Rin absolutely hated. It made it seem as if Sousuke was the victim here, not Rin. A sweeping onceover over him brought Rin a sense of perverse satisfaction when he realized that Sousuke wasn’t looking so great himself. The bags under his eyes were darker, he looked thinner, cheeks sallower.

“What are you doing here?” Rin found himself asking dully, before he could thoroughly plot his plan of attack. He watched as Sousuke’s eyes flicked up at him from beneath his fringe. Rin thought he looked rather like a kicked puppy; he almost laughed to himself. “Well?” he asked again, when Sousuke didn’t reply.

“Rin…” Rin couldn’t help but close his eyes at the sound of his name in Sousuke’s voice. He missed hearing it, whether it was through the phone or in person. “Rin…Are you alright? What happened?”

That ruined the moment. Rin frowned hard at the questions. Sometimes, Sousuke could be a right dunce.

“Nothing happened.” He couldn’t help but sound cold. “I overworked myself, that’s all. Not eating enough, not sleeping enough, that’s probably what the diagnosis was.”

“Rin…”

All of a sudden, he hated hearing his name slip from those lips.

“Why are you here, Sousuke?” He cried out then, hands curled into trembling fists on his lap, chest twisting in pain. “What do you want from me?” He felt his throat close around a rapidly forming lump. Hot tears spilled over his cheeks before he could stop them. “What else could you possibly take from me, Sousuke?!?” Rin sobbed, knowing he sounded pathetic, with his voice cracking high, as the emotion and pain he’s kept bottled up all this time suddenly spilled forward. His eyes and cheeks burned from rage, despair, and tears.

“Rin…” Sousuke’s voice rumbled again and Rin took satisfaction in how broken it also sounded. “Rin, please, don’t cry—“ The touch was so fleeting, Rin barely allowed Sousuke to even make full contact before he yanked his arm violently away.

“DON’T TOUCH ME.” He screeched. He expected Sousuke to get angry, to yell and storm like they always did when they had their spats. But those spats, Rin recalled dully, had been temporary, quick to rise and quicker to fall. They always trusted each other to make it through. This time, that wouldn’t be the case. This time it would be the end.

Sousuke’s silence was deafening.

Rin wanted to punch him. Slap him, shake him, kiss him, hug him. Beg him to take him back. To love him again.

“Rin.” Sousuke’s voice was so soft, it grated on Rin’s consciousness. “I’m sorry.” Those words were like a bucket of cold water dumped over Rin’s head.

“You’re sorry?” Rin repeated bitterly. “ _Now_ your sorry? After you lied to me? All these years?” There was a moment of silence.

“Lied?” Sousuke wondered. “Rin.” Rin squeezed his eyes shut at the sound of his name again, teeth gritting as the longing in his heart fought with the rage that burned within him. “The only lie I ever told you, was saying that I didn’t love you.”

Rin froze as the world stopped around him. Sousuke’s words echoed in his skull as if it were a cavern.

“What are you doing, Sousuke?” Rin asked softly, suddenly unsure of everything. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Sousuke, for fear of what he might see.

“I’m sorry, Rin.” Sousuke apologized again. The pain in his voice kept Rin riveted in his seat. “I should have trusted you, worked with you. Not acted on my own, not hurt you. Not hurt myself.” Rin’s fists trembled on his knees. Sousuke’s head remained bowed as he spoke, his own fingers also curled into fists at his sides. “But the moment I thought that maybe—“ Rin felt a lump grow in his throat as Sousuke’s voice broke again. “The moment I thought that maybe _I_ would be the one to cause your dream to fall apart, I panicked. I couldn’t stand for it, Rin. You worked so hard and for it to all go to shit because of me—“ Rin, at this point, stared openly at Sousuke. Perhaps he was dreaming. Perhaps this was all just a fantasy, but like hell Rin would give up this opportunity to feel again, even if it was.

“Are you an idiot?” Rin asked as incredulousness joined the pain and anger in his chest. “You thought _you_ would be the one to cause my dream to fall apart?” He let out a harsh bark of a laugh. “You were the _last_ person I’d believe to get in the way of my dream, Sousuke. That is, until you went ahead and tore it in half.”

Rin’s laugh was broken until his voice went soft as he curled into himself, away from Sousuke. “You were that half, Sousuke. You were supposed to be there, with me, the whole way. I thought--” His voice cracked and he twisted tighter into himself. “I knew I was struggling. I just…I just missed you so much, but I was ready to change things once I saw you again. We hadn’t been separated for that long since we got together and it was hard. I knew I was being childish, but seeing Haru with Makoto and Nagisa with Rei, I just…I was jealous, I guess. So I thought I could have this much, just a few minutes to talk to you, even if it was on the phone. The fans could wait, my reputation could wait. I just wanted to be selfish and I thought I deserved it…“ He trailed a way with a breath, as if a weight had lifted from him alongside his confession.

He stiffened when an embrace enveloped him, but this time, he didn’t try and slap it away. Instead, he allowed himself this indulgence and turned into the warmth he had missed so much, longed for, in the past couple months.

“I’m sorry, Rin.” Rin realized from the strained voice and the tremble in the arms wrapped tight around him that Sousuke was crying as well. “I’m sorry I didn’t understand, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before going ahead and breaking your heart. I was an idiot and I hurt you. I know you won’t forgive me right away, you may not ever forgive me, but know this, Rin. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts and that has never changed.”

Sousuke’s words made Rin choke the sob that had lodged in his throat and for the first time in weeks, he didn’t feel cold. In that instant, he surged to hug Sousuke back, wrapping his arms tight around the frame still trembling against him.

“You’re an idiot.” He huffed into Sousuke’s shoulder, tears streaming. “You’re a huge moronic idiot.”

“I know, Rin.”

Rin only pulled back to look at Sousuke straight in the face, hands tracing the face he missed so much. Not a single sign of those cold eyes that had plagued him for weeks remained as he scanned his best friend for sincerity. He pulled Sousuke into a kiss, unable to strain the quiet joyous sob that escaped him when he felt warm hands trace along his sides, pulling him closer.  
“I’m not dreaming, right, Sousuke?” Rin asked into the flesh of Sousuke’s shoulder, the fabric of his shirt soaked with Rin’s tears. “This isn’t a wistful dream my sleep deprived ass came up with, right?”

“No, Rin. You’re not dreaming.”

Rin sniffled.

“I want to punch you.”

“I’d deserve it if you did.”

Rin’s grip on Sousuke’s shirt tightened.

“Don’t leave me again, you idiot.”

“I won’t, Rin. Never again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU MADE IT...THINGS ARE OK...trust me...I can't do pain either.  
> Just an Epilogue to go and that'll conclude this angst fest.  
> QUESTION: Do you want smut in the Epilogue? Yay or nay, let me know in the comments :


End file.
